Operation Hydra vs Giant Squid
by Meresger
Summary: Rumple and Regina team up... to get revenge on Hook in badly written POV-swapping satirical fashion. This is SF with gratuitous Hook bashing. Complete anti-CS. I repeat anit-CS! If you are perusing this for the Captain Hook character tag because you want Emma to have 10,000 of his babies, do not read this story! IT'S SATIRE! I REPEAT: SATIRE! READ THE ENCLOSED WARNINGS!
1. Henry Finds Out

Title: Operation Hydra vs. Giant Squid

Summary: Rumple and Regina team up... to get revenge on Hook in badly written POV-swapping satirical fashion. This is SF with gratuitous Hook bashing. Complete anti-CS. I repeat anit-CS! If you are perusing this for the Captain Hook character tag because you want Emma to have 10,000 of his babies, do not read this story! Seriously, though, its meant to be stupid satirical commentary on the childish stupidity of shipping wars (the wars, not the people or their ships involved!).

Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT. If I did, Emma Swan would not have body-swapped with Sookie Stackhouse and the show's timeline would not be complete batshit. Also, I do not own the Gorton's Fisherman, but I do occasionally purchases his fish sticks.

Author's Note: OMG, I finally wrote another story! WTF? How did this happen!? Okay, this is just really really really embarrassingly bad. There is no way this will EVER happen on the show. Consider it a crack fic to vent my frustration with the love triangle and Emma's apparent brain damage since getting hit on the head and almost drowning. So, if you like Hook and CaptainSwan... why are you even reading this author's note? Turn back now! And if you are an SF shipper who is faint of heart and takes every smidgen of anit-CS as self-defeatist spite that will cause the CSers to rain down nuclear bombs of hatred... well, you are totally going to miss the point, so hit that "back" arrow now.

Warning: This story contains references to a certain pirate's genitals, the penetration of a certain savior's genitals, mild Charmings bashing, magical animal abuse, as well as Henry at his most whiny and pouty. May cause you to want to stop reading, but please don't. I beg you! The CS ship goes down in flames, Henry is just a convenient plot device, and Belle has a cameo!

REALLY IMPORTANT WARNING: This story has gotten several anonymous reviews, all of them angry or disappointed. As such you SHOULD NOT:

1) Read this story if you accidentally stumbled into the parody section and are looking for a serious deconstruction of the Emma/Neal/Hook love triangle fiasco.

2) Suffer from sarcasm blindness.

3) Do not understand that a crack fic is supposed to be Mystery Science Theater 3000 levels of bad writing and yet entertaining in its stupidity.

4) Are an anti-shipper, a CS shipper, or an SF shipper who thinks that the we live in a peaceful cyber society in which no characters ever get horribly maimed for spite or bad humor and will be utterly horrified and disgusted by Family Guy levels of character demoralization.

5) Think any one story has any great impact on the overall shipping war that has stupidly arisen in this fandom and feel compelled to accuse anyone who steps over that line of shenanigans.

6) Think that if you leave an anonymous guest review I won't post it on tumblr and respond with additional sarcasm. I expect all guest reviews to at least have alias typed in the box. Otherwise I will give you a name myself, such as Hugh Jass or Ahmed Adoodie.

7) You are a CS shipper with a creepy fetish for trawling SF and anti-CS stories to impersonate SF fans to send hate to SF authors in the hopes that you will crush their spirit and make them go away. I fart in your general direction.

Chapter 1

Henry Finds Out

Dinner in the Charming household was usually a somewhat awkward affair. After all, when your parents are the same age as you and actively trying to replace you with another kid and you've only known your moody eleven year old son for half a year with a good part of that time spent either battling his adoptive mother or other magical monsters and now also have to share him with your estranged ex-boyfriend who has the emotional maturity of an eleven year old and let you rot in jail for eleven months... well, it wasn't exactly an evening at the Waltons.

"So... did you have fun with your dad today?" Emma asked as Henry moved a pile of mashed potatoes back to the other side of his plate.

Henry's noncommittal reply was a shrug and mumbled, "I guess."

"Kid," Emma sighed, "what's going on? You've hardly touched your food."

"Not hungry," Henry grumbled, staring down at his plate.

Looking over at her parents finishing up their own meals, Emma received no help. A bewildered shrug from David and a 'he's your son, you handle it' look from Mary Margaret.

"Henry," Emma tried again, "you know what ever's bothering you, you can tell me. If something happened today-"

"I'm not feeling well," her son stated abruptly and set down his fork. "Can I be excused?"

Emma blinked, uncertain. "Oh, well, okay. Do you want some hot cocoa or-"

"No." Henry stood up to leave then paused before he grumbled angrily, "But you could stop sticking your tongue down Hook's throat!"

Both Mary Margaret and David dropped their own forks... and then immediately picked up their plates and made themselves scarce before Emma could even give them a 'traitors' look. She winced as she followed Henry into the living room.

"Kid-"

"Is he your boyfriend?" Henry demanded as he turned back to face her, teary-eyed.

Emma winced. Wasn't that the sixty-four million dollar question? She'd been asking herself that for weeks now while trying to fight the physical attraction between them, but every time she tried to stick to her guns she ended up sticking... well, now was not the time to let her thoughts go there.

"I don't know, Kid. It's... complicated."

"But you like him."

"He's... he's trying to change. He helped get you home, Henry."

"So did Neal."

Emma sighed and tried to remind herself that Henry was a kid who had a perfect fairy tale view of the world. Ever since the return from Neverland, he'd been throwing those not so subtle hints her way that with Tamara out of the picture they could be one big happy family.

"I know you want me and your dad to get back together, Henry," she began, "but-"

"It's complicated?" Henry returned, his tone dripping in sarcasm that would have made Neal's father proud. "No it isn't!" he snapped, angrily. "Dad loves you. You love him. You promised that you wouldn't lie!"

"I didn't lie. I do love Neal, but... sometimes love isn't enough, Henry," Emma tried to explain, aware that she could never really explain properly, in a way Henry would understand. "He hurt me, he left me in jail. And I know he didn't do it on purpose, but it still happened, and sometimes starting over means letting go. Sometimes it's just... too late."

Henry looked at her with those eyes so like his father's. "And of all the guys you could 'start over' with, you picked _Captain Hook_?"

"I know he's not perfect, but he's trying, Henry. He... cares about me. And about you."

"Only to hurt my dad!" Henry snapped. "Why can't you see that?"

"Henry, that's not true," Emma patiently argued. "Hook helped save you, when he didn't have to. And he could have kept it a secret when Pan told him that Neal was in Neverland, but he didn't. He's not trying to hurt anyone."

"So, it's just you then," Henry bitterly accused. "I was wrong. You're not just like Regina, you're worse. At least she doesn't pretend anymore that she's being a good person when ripping out people's hearts!"

With that, he fled the kitchen and the apartment, leaving Emma at a loss of what to do. The loud _thud_ of the door was still echoing through the loft as her mother returned, expression pensive.

"So... you're dating Hook now," remarked Mary Margaret coolly. "I thought you said that Henry was the only love you had room for in your life."

Emma glowered, hating it when the woman threw her words back at her in that condescending way. "I never said this was about love. And you don't get to lecture me Miss I-slept-with-Frankenstein and consider you a daughter-in-name-only!"

That shut Mary Margaret up long enough for Emma to get up and retrieve her jacket and her car keys.

As the door shut again, Mary Margaret let out a deep sigh and David came to stand beside her, grimacing.

"So...," he said, "that went well."

"I know," Mary Margaret sighed. "Why are we the only functional couple in this entire town?"

"Well, some people say being disgustingly happily married is boring."

"As if!" Mary Margaret scoffed, opening up the cedar chest to sort through all of their kinky sex toys that she hid under her macramé supplies. "Now put on that ball gag, Mister. Mistress Snow wants another baby!"


	2. Regina Is the Good Mom?

Chapter 2

Regina Is the Good Mom?

Being a quasi-reformed Evil Queen wasn't easy. Regina's first thought when she heard the front door close was to conjure a fireball and waste whatever idiot had the gall to trespass in her home.

Luckily, Henry was too busy stomping up the stairs in a huff when she exited the kitchen to even notice her abuse of magic. Extinguishing the flames, Regina stared after her son unable to contain her expression of startlement at his arrival... or momentary giddiness that his presence could only mean things were not well in the Charming camp.

After a moment to reveal in that possibility, Regina put on her best sympathetic face and headed up the stairs.

She found Henry's bedroom door open and the boy laying face down, arms wrapped around the pillow he might as well be suffocating himself with. The same state she had often found him in after arguments over Emma. Though, months later, he now took up far more of the bed, an uncomfortable reminder that Henry was growing up.

Regina's knock on the door didn't alter Henry's miserable posture, but he didn't give her a muffled "go away" either, so she stepped over the threshold and took a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked after a moment. Listening wasn't really her best maternal skill, but she was trying here.

Henry sniffed a little before finally rolling over and sitting up, drawing his knees against his chest as he explained in the most miserable of tones, "Emma's dating Captain Hook. I saw them kissing. She didn't even deny it."

Regina grimaced at that. "Well, I can't say I didn't see that coming. The pirate has been wooing her from the start and Emma clearly doesn't have the best judgment with men with her track record."

This got an angry look from Henry and he huffed. "Why does everyone think my dad is a bad guy? He's not! He just got tricked by Pan like everyone else! And it was August who sent Emma to jail and stole their money! I know he wouldn't have left if he'd known what was really going on. How can she want to hurt Neal like that? What if Emma marries Hook and he becomes my step dad? This family is messed up enough you being my mom _and_ my step great grandma without me and my dad being stepbrothers!"

As Henry angrily punched his pillow, Regina was momentarily gobsmacked. "I'm sorry... did you say that... Hook is... Neal's _stepfather_?"

Henry gave her an annoyed look. "Duh! It's in the book! Why does no one ever read that!? Baelfire's mom, Milah, decided that his dad was a coward, so she ran off with Hook when my dad was seven and his dad told him Milah had been killed by pirates. Tinkerbell said that when Dad got to Neverland and escaped Pan's shadow, Hook let him stay aboard his ship until Dad found a drawing of his mom and Hook explained that they'd run off together and intended to come back for him one day when he was older, but that was probably a lie, 'cause why wouldn't they come for him when the Ogre Wars were drafting little kids to fight? I guess Dad called him on his lies and asked to be taken to the island, but instead Hook handed him over to Felix to give to Pan and said it was his own fault for reminding him that he was a pirate."

Pursing her lips, Regina uttered, "I see..." Well, she was not surprised at that either. She'd sensed Hook's bullshit from a mile away while Emma had been as disgustingly, myopically twitipaited as she'd been over Graham. And possibly August Booth. Regina didn't get it. She got bashed for sex-enslaving a recalcitrant minion while that blonde bimbo was applauded for flirting with every penis in black leather.

"I know Emma's angry that Neal hurt her," Henry continued, hugging his pillow. "But choosing the guy who stole his mom and left him to live in a cave for hundreds of years? How _could_ she?" he cried. "I thought once we proved that Tamara was evil everything would be okay. I know Neal is still in love with Emma. I know he wants us to be a family. And I _know_ Emma's not good at... feelings and stuff. But I never thought she'd do something like this!"

Indeed, Regina considered, it went a bit beyond Emma Swan's vindictive streak. The woman did have one. A chainsaw and an apple tree were evidence of that. But surely participating in some manner of quasi-incestual courtship to spurn a former lover was off-limits. Never mind how it would hurt Henry.

Regina reluctantly admittedly was generally the one who acted out of spite without thought of how her actions would hurt her son/step great-grandson. But one's mother fornicating with the man who'd repeatedly poked one's grandmother with his sword was... well... disgusting even by her most sordid standards.

Sometime later, after Henry had cried himself to sleep, Regina decided it was time to pay an old 'friend' a visit.


	3. Old Frenemies Reunite

Chapter 3

Old Frenemies Reunite

"You know," Gold groused out as his former apprentice strode into the pawn shop, "I was about to sit down to a nice bow of soup with Belle. So this had better be good."

"Good? No. But it could prove entertaining," Regina replied and crossed her arms. "Do you know where your grandson's mother is tonight?"

Gold raised a brow. "I'm going to assume it's not at home with Henry and her parents or are you just here to start complaining about custody issues again?"

Ignoring the insult, Regina replied, "I happened to spot Emma's car parked down by the docks. Which I'm guessing isn't the first time. Henry came over earlier this evening distraught to have been informed that she has happily 'hooked up' with a certain pirate."

Gold's mirth immediately vanished. "Hook is seducing Emma?"

Regina rolled her eyes. "Ever since, I'm assuming, she apparently tied him to a tree and climbed a beanstalk with him... which I got tired of him repeatedly turning into bondage and phallic euphemisms during our little camping trip, which you would know if you'd bothered to stick around instead of wandering off to make-out with a shadow."

Gold glared.

Regina gave a dismissive wave. "Anyway, Emma, apparently, found his transformation into a heroic," she snorted, "spouter of bad romance novel lines a huge turn on, which I suppose is a genetic flaw. And they swapped spit at least once in Neverland. And, it would seem, Hook's deepest, darkest secret in the Echo Caves was that kissing her made him want to move on from his dearly departed Milah and earn her love in a completely transparent fashion. Which, apparently, as near as I have observed, has meant being as vague as possible about his former lover and conveniently allowing Emma to reach the conclusion that he and Baelfire had a solid mentor/mentee bromance going before some unspoken tragedy resulted in them parting ways, to Hook's deepest dismay."

Gold gripped his cane hard enough that the gold plating nearly chipped under his ring. "That lying scum stole my wife and boasted about how he and his men were going to repeatedly rape her and then handed my boy over to a monster for nothing but spite and now he thinks he can bed my grandson's mother? The woman my son loves? _I will skin him alive!_"

As Gold looked ready to ransack his shop with his cane again, Regina once more found herself in the odd position of calmer heads. "Or," she smiled, "we could let Emma do it."


	4. A New Neverland Christmas Carol

Chapter 4

A New Neverland Christmas Carol

Killian Jones was feeling better than he had in... well, centuries. As he lounged naked in the bed of his large cabin imagining what he would soon find beneath that red leather and tight denim, the sound of something clattering on the deck above drew his attention.

"Emma?" Killian called out.

"I'll be out in a minute!" a sultry voice called... from still within the lower decks, the direction of his private head where she'd disappeared minutes before, following their very heated bought of foreplay. She had been particularly randy tonight!

There was another _thunk_ from above.

Frowning, Killian wrapped a sheet about his waste and grabbed his sword on his way to the door. Whoever was interrupting the consummation of his very long fought competition to win Emma Swan's heart - and more importantly her other, more enjoyable parts - was going to be swimming with the fishes, possibly in several pieces.

Emerging onto the deck, Killian brandished his sword. "Who's there?"

"Forgotten me already."

Killian spun around, heart stuttering at the voice. It couldn't be. But his eyes beheld his beloved Milah, looking as she did on the day she'd been taken from him, standing at the helm.

"This is a trick. You're dead," Killian accused.

"Well, it's a new Neverland," Milah responded. "Nothing ever truly dies in Neverland."

"Even if you want them too," spoke another voice.

A young Baelfire moved out from behind Milah and ran his hand over the carvings on the helm while Killian took a step back.

"You're not real."

"Just like your intentions toward Emma," stated Baelfire. "You took me in. You promised that you were different, and maybe you even wanted to be, but you can't earn love by keeping secrets. Emma thinks we're _friends_. That you rescued me to honor some bond we shared. The only bond we shared was one that you broke. You're no honorable man, Hook!"

"You're certainly not the man I loved," Milah scoffed. "That man might have been a pirate, but he still knew good form. But this man you've become? Only a coward would _steal_ a woman's heart."

"Hook?" Emma's voice traveled upwards through the open door, his gaze immediately drawn back toward his quarters.

When he looked back at the helm the 'ghosts' of his past were gone.


	5. Emma Gets Her Groove Back

Chapter 5

Emma Gets Her Groove Back

Emma had arranged herself in bed, anxious and excited and a little bit ashamed of what she was doing, but that came with the territory of her 'relationships'. She gave another primp to her black push-up-bra-clad bosom, wondering if Hook would be disappointed when it came off.

She'd accepted her paltry breast size for what it was years ago, but that hadn't stopped her from trying to enhance what nature had given her. Sadly, the sport's bra she'd worn in Neverland wasn't really compressing Thelma and Louise all that much.

At the shadow in the doorway, she laid back down, trying to look sexy, her eyes glancing furtively to the box of condoms on the dresser that she'd picked up at the Dark Star on her way. She just hoped they weren't 28 years past their expiration date.

Emma almost snorted when Hook swaggered in carrying a sword and wearing nothing but a bed sheet about his narrow hips. "Really? Am I supposed to play the captured wench?"

"If that turns you on," Hook replied with a sultry lilt and knelt on the edge of the bed. "Prepare to be ravished, Emma."

"Oh, you'll find that I'm up to the challenge."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he replied.

"Good. Now, seriously, lose the hook so I don't get accidentally impaled."

"Oh, you'll get intentionally impaled." Hook grinned cheekily. "But as you wish!" he declared, quickly unstrapping the leather gauntlet before crushing his mouth against hers.

The kiss was hot and deep, even more-so than their first, a physical fight manifest in lips and tongues and the gnashing of teeth and it lit Emma's body on fire and made all of the pain and confusion and guilt and regrets in her life disappear, burned away by the blinding intensity of it. Her hands moved from Hook's shoulders, trailing over heated skin-

When Hook pulled abruptly away, she was left panting and slightly confused as his hand went to the last place she'd touched... rubbing the tattooed name. Her stomach twisted a little. "I'm sorry. You're thinking of her... Milah. Did I... do something wrong?"

"I... it's just... difficult," he stammered out, avoiding her gaze.

"I understand. Past love is hard to... keep in the past," Emma attempted, reaching out with a smile, pulling him close again.

But once more Hook pulled away from the kiss. "Damn it. I can't do this!" he finally declared, a look of defeat on his face.

Emma sighed. "It's okay," she attempted to sympathize. "It... it happens to all men, you know, at least once. You just have to... think happy thoughts and-"

"That's not it!" Hook snapped, standing up, unconcerned by his nudity or his sudden lack of erection.

Confused, Emma watched the pirate - appreciating his ass - as he walked to the writing desk and dug through a drawer. He returned a moment later with a hand-drawn sketch. Her brows furrowed.

"Is that... Milah?"

"Yes," he sighed. "A self-portrait. She spent many an hour at that desk drawing scenes from our travels. A more skilled artist I never met... aside, perhaps, from her son."

Emma took the paper examining it, her brows furrowing a little. "You never mentioned that she had a..." The answer came then like a lightning strike. In Baelfire's cave in Neverland, Hook had stated that Neal got his drawing talent from his mother... which she'd taken to mean that he had known Hook well enough to share such intimate details of his childhood, to mean that they were... friends.

Emma dropped the paper, pulling away. "_Milah_ is Neal's _mother_!?"

Hook winced. "I assumed that you-"

"The hell you did!" Emma snapped. "You've been fishing ever since the Echo Caves! Dropping her name to see if Neal had clued me in! You told him about the kiss on purpose, didn't you? You _knew _he hadn't heard! What did you actually tell him?"

"... I might have left the exact extent of the... moment open to interpretation and implied a... certain degree of... romance."

Emma's jaw fell open and then she swung a fist and punched her would-have-been lover in the nose.

Hook let out a yelp and fell off the bed. "Now that was a little un-"

"Are you kidding me!? You slept with my son's grandmother!" she exclaimed, horrified, and suddenly Henry's reaction made perfect sense. Never mind Neal's. And she'd spent weeks punishing him for his adolescent behavior after finding out she'd kiss... the man who was having sex with his mother!

"What is _wrong_ with you!?" she demanded, grabbing the sheet Hook had discarded to cover herself as she got up from the bed and headed for the stairs.

"It was three hundred years ago, luv," Hook defended, getting up.

"That's what you're going with!? You are an unbelievable bastard!" Emma snarled before stomping up the stairs. Her clothes were in the opposite direction, but at the moment she didn't care. She would rather drive home in a sheet - or maybe naked considering the sheet was probably stained with the bodily fluids of Neal's mother - than spend another moment with Killian Jones.

Hook tried to take her arm as she reached the deck, but she shoved him back, eyes cold. "Were you ever even friends with your _stepson_? Or was that just you letting me form my own assumption so you could get into my pants?"

"Well... technically Milah and I were never married-"

"Which technically is irrelevant to you sticking my son's father's mother with your sword!"

Grimacing, Hook conceded, "Wait, please! I found Baelfire shortly after he arrived in Neverland, after he had escaped the shadow and gave him sanctuary from Pan aboard my ship."

He gestured toward the helm, urging Emma to follow, to understand. "I taught him to navigate here. He was a quick study," he proudly related. "We were friends... for some months. Until... Baelfire discovered the drawing. I thought I could... make up for his mother's abandonment, but it seemed... kinder not to tell him about... us, considering that he thought pirates had killed her. After I explained about us falling in love and that his father later found us and... killed Milah, he accused me of being at fault for her leaving and her death so I... gave him up to Pan."

Emma stared, trying to work it all out in her head. "Let me get this straight. You lied to him for months and when he just happened to be upset to find that his mother had been murdered by his father who had also just abandoned him... he was the one who deserved to be given over to that... monster? The one who kidnapped my _son_. _Our_ son."

"It was... perhaps... not the best form."

"He was a child!" Emma shouted, tears filling her eyes as she couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. "We are so over!" she stated.

"Emma, I never meant to hurt you! Or him! I-"

"Appreciate that you helped rescue my son," Emma stated stiffly, reaching out to take the pirate's hand, "but you lied to me at every step of the way. And maybe you were lying to yourself with this 'good form' act, but that doesn't change that you did."

"If you would just give me a chance, Emma-"

"No," Emma enunciated slowly, pulling her hand away. "Not gonna happen. The new Neverland is us never happening! You're a pirate who will never change and the fact that you still think there's a chance I will 'choose you' is just proof that you're a… a 'codfish'."

She turned away in disgust, though her lips quirked a little as she heard the jangling of metal and muffled curse as Hook realized the prop she'd brought to make their evening interesting was now tethering him naked to the wheel of his own ship.


	6. Operation Hydra vs Giant Squid

Chapter 6

Operation Hydra vs. Giant Squid

On the docks, disguised in Gorton's Fisherman outfits Gold and Regina watched through binoculars as the pirate captain struggled against the handcuffs, calling after Emma who shortly returned from bellow decks fully dressed and carrying a basket of something.

With a rather maniacal smile on her face, the Savior pulled out some assorted bread and the remains of a fish dinner, tore the lot up and threw the pieces all around the ship's helm... before taking what appeared to be one of Granny's homemade glazed donuts and placing it strategically around the captain's little captain.

"I always knew Emma had a sadistic side," Regina sniggered as she conjured herself a bowl of popcorn. "Good thing she didn't bring along her chainsaw. Not that she would need more than a pairing knife..."

Gold sniggered at that as he sipped his conjured martini. "Really, I almost feel bad for Milah. Almost..."

"Well, it is rather cold out."

"Hmm," Gold considered, tapping the screen of his phone. "It's supposed to get into the low forties tonight. Not counting wind-chill. We really do get some strange summer weather up here in Maine. Oh, and there's even a chance of showers before sunrise. I do hope the bread holds up..."

"What do you think?" Regina considered. "Anonymous tip to Good Morning Storybrooke that a hydra has been spotted in the harbor? Or a giant squid?"

"Hydra verus Giant Squid," Gold stated as he handed over a second martini. "It's Old Monster Movie Week at the local cineplex. The public is already primed to rush out in droves to witness such a battle of maritime titans," he reminded as the poor pirate could be heard shouting, "Swan! SWAN!" over and over at her retreating form until the Bug disappeared in the direction of Main Street.

Regina waved her hand to adjust the camera set up on a tripod. The full moon provided plenty of light to capture Hook's lily white full moon as he struggled to find a way to free himself, a rather difficult procedure since his other hand was nonexistent.

"You know," Regina mused as she picked up her own martini, "we really do work well together. But I still dislike you with a passion that cannot be put into words."

"The best partnerships are based on a mutual enemy, dearie," Gold reminded.

"To mutual animosity!" Regina toasted, "and public humiliation!"

After they clinked glasses Regina considered, "Knowing Whale, he'll be so hung-over tomorrow that he'll causes the Captain additional injury."

"Oh, I can guarantee it."

Regina lifted a brow. "What did you do?"


	7. Do Not Disturb

Chapter 7

Do Not Disturb

Neal was having the usual trouble sleeping, tossing and turning in his bed at Granny's - not that he wanted to sleep and risk that dream again about Emma and his mother and Hook - when the silence was broken by a tentative knock on his door.

Curious and in need of a distraction from his insomnia, even if it was just Tinkerbell again complaining about another fight with the Blue Fairy and weirdly eye-humping him, Neal threw back the covers and went to answer it.

"Emma..." Neal croaked out, startled to find his ex in the hall. Her hair was a mess and her make-up was smudged. It was clear that she had been crying. Immediately concerned, he asked, "What happened?"

Instead of answering Emma stepped over the threshold and took the 'do not disturb' sign from the inside knob of the door...


	8. Good Morning Storybrooke

Chapter 8

Good Morning Storybrooke

"OH MY GAAAAAWD!"

David nearly dropped the plates he was washing in the sink at his wife's shout. "What!?" he exclaimed, rushing into the livingroom whereupon he found Mary Margaret gawking at the television screen.

His jaw fell open. "Is that...?"

"Uh-huh."

"Are those...?"

"Yep."

"Where did they-?"

"Well, Astrid was bringing Leroy coffee on his boat and tried to assist in the... um... rescue effort by chasing away the flock of seagulls with her wand."

"We really should start requiring tests and permits for those things," David mused. "Hey, look, Grumpy is waving at the camera."

"I think he's actually making a gestural commentary on what's being blurred out."

"Oh. _Oh_."

On the television, a reporter was commenting, "As you can see, the anonymous tip about a hydra and giant squid battling to the death in the harbor appears to have been merely a ploy to attract public attention to a rather... messy prank on Captain Hook. It also appears that a magical force field of some sort is preventing the harbor patrol from boarding the ship to free the captain and capture the angry flock of what I am told are actually seagulls. It's unclear if the barrier was part of the prank or created by a bystander's attempt to magically disperse the flock which now seem to be trapped as well. Word is, the Blue Fairy has been contacted to hopefully remedy the situation and allow the fire department and parademics to board the ship."


	9. Regina Mills: Pride Killer

Chapter 9

Regina Mills: Pride Killer

When Henry sulked his way downstairs to the smell of pancakes he found Regina in the kitchen. His mother quickly turned off the small television on the counter.

"Good morning. I made chocolate chip. Your favorite!"

"Thanks," Henry sighed, slumping into a chair.

"Cheer up, honey," Regina stated, patting his shoulder, as she handed over the maple syrup. "I have a feeling today is going to be a very good day!"

Henry gave his adoptive a weird look. Regina seemed... happy. And that was rarely a good thing.

"How about we go and see a movie?" the former Evil Queen suggested. "There Sunday matinee is showing old monster movies. You like those, don't you?"

Frowning a little, Henry demanded, "Did you kill someone last night, Mom?"

Regina smiled as she stabbed at slice of pancake. "No, sweetie, just someone's pride."


	10. Fire-breathing Seagulls?

Chapter 10

Fire-breathing... Seagulls?

Emma woke to sunlight streaming in through the window, scattered by the woven threads of the dreamcatcher hung there. As an arm slipped around her waste and lips pressed against the nap of her neck, a contented smile curved her lips.

"Morning," Neal murmured against her skin, eliciting a slight giggle from Emma as he teased a ticklish spot.

Turning to look over her shoulder, Emma gazed adoringly at the ridiculously happy expression on Neal's face. "Yeah, it is," she agreed as she rolled over to loop an arm around neck.

A sudden clatter against the window startled them both and they turned to see a small, white two-legged dragon-ish creature perched on the sill.

"What the hell is that!?" Emma gasped, holding Neal a bit tighter.

"Wyvern," Neal answered, watching as a bolt of light from the square bellow struck the mini-dragon, transforming it into a seagull... which flew away... breathing fire.

"Sometimes I really hate this town," Emma groaned. "Do you think I should go... do something? I mean, I am the sheriff..."

"Nah, I think it's more magical animal control's jurisdiction," he said before kissing her.


	11. Belle's Revenge

Chapter 11

Belle's Revenge

Killian Jones sat miserably in a hospital bed, poking at his plate of Jell-O. He knew that he'd brought it on himself. And he should have known better after Emma had stranded him atop that beanstalk.

Speaking of...

The pirate - who had singed hair and a mix of burn cream and bandages on his face and arms and places covered by his gown - glanced down at his bandaged lap with a grimace just as the curtain around his bed opened revealing a pleasantly smiling Belle.

Killian scowled. "What do _you_ want?"

"I volunteer here. I want to give back for all of the help I received when I was a patient. I brought you a new ice pack!" she cheerfully informed. "I heard about the... um... botched circumcision. And I understand the Sheriff's Department is investigating who slipped that potion into Dr. Whale's drink at The Rabbit Hole. Of course, it could take awhile. He has pretty much hit on every woman in town, so I'm guessing he has a lot of enemies. Making him think he was a mohel! And after consuming a whole bottle of scotch! I mean, that's just silly!" she giggled before schooling her features into a look of concern.

"And unfortunate that events coincided as they did. Really, when you think about it, it's Regina's fault. I mean, it seems... what do you call it? Bad form to have only had one surgeon in Storybrooke."

"Yes, _bad form_," Killian grumbled, snatching the ice pack from her.

"Do you want more Jell-O?"

"No!"

"Oh, well, okay then. Nurse Severance should be here shortly to give you a sponge bath. She must be really exited to have you as a patient again. She waxed her mustache!"

Killian scowled and fell back against his pillows. "Wonderful.


	12. Epilogue

Epilogue

Smiling to herself, Belle practically skipped her way out of the hospital to the boardwalk by the lake where her man was waiting.

"You really enjoyed that, didn't you?" Gold remarked.

"I guess I retained a bit of Lacey's dark side," Belle giggled and threaded her fingers through his. "So, did it work?"

"Well," he merrily replied, "according to Granny the 'do not disturb' sign is still on the door and it's well passed housekeeping."

~ The end ~

So, what do you think? Please review! I am an equal opportunity supporter of constructive criticism, but do keep in mind that this is blatantly bad satire and character bashing not meant to conform to the already arbitrary laws of OUAT canon. I am not going to appologize for nearly turning Hook into a eunech and the cruel and unusual magical abuse of seagulls. Or some of the really short chapters which I usually cannot stand in stories, but I wanted to break this up by scene and was too lazy to make the scenes longer.

(Nurse Severance is the unnamed "Severe Nurse" character modeled after Nurse Ratched of _One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest_ who was in charge of the psychiatric ward before the breaking of the curse.)

(Shout out to whomever used the Emma calling Hook a 'codfish' line. I wish I could remember the author and give proper gratis.)


End file.
